When you’re looking for “funny retirement quotes,” you’ve come to the right place! I’ve listed 200 funny retirement quotes so you can wish your boss, coworker, friend, mom, dad, grandparent, teacher, police officer, doctor, etc., a happy retirement in a fun and memorable way. Ready? Let’s dig in!
Funny Retirement Quotes
1) “Bye Bye Tension, Hello Pension!” – Unknown
2) “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
3) “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements
4) “Retirement: World’s longest coffee break.” – Unknown
5) “You can’t retire from being great” – Unknown
6) “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
7) “Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret
8) “It is better to live rich than to die rich.” – Samuel Johnson
9) “The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.” – Unknown
10) “Retired. Under New Management. See Wife For Details” – Unknown
11) “Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.” – M.K. Soni
12) “Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.” – Unknown
13) “Retirement is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in.” – Abe Lemons
14) “Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.” – Unknown
15) “Retirement is like a never-ending weekend party, except that you can’t drink, can’t hook up, and you actually have to spend time with your spouse.” – Unknown
16) “Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.” – Unknown
17) “The best part about retirement is that you don’t have to worry about getting a promotion.” – Unknown
18) “Retirement is when you switch bosses from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” – Unknown
19) “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if retirement is a reward for a lifetime of hard work or a punishment.” – Terri Guillemets
20) “Retirement is the time when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.” – Robert Benchley
21) “I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” – Unknown
22) “Retirement: It’s not just a job, it’s a do-it-yourself project.” – Betty Sullivan
23) “Retirement is like a long vacation in Florida. You can’t wait to go, but once you get there you wonder why you ever wanted to leave.” – Unknown
24) “Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer measured by the number of hours you work, but by the number of hours you play.” – Unknown
25) “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
26) “I need to retire from retirement.” – Sandra Day O’Connor
27) “Retirement is like a permanent vacation, except that you never get to come back.” – Unknown
28) “I’m now officially retired, and I just want to say, I’m glad I’m not working anymore. It’s been a real hassle.” – Maya Angelou
29) “Retirement is like a chocolate sundae. You wish you could have it every day, but it’s probably not good for you in the long run.” – Unknown
30) “Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start bragging about your discounts.” – Unknown
Check out my article: 200 Funny Retirement Jokes, Memes & One Liners for hilarious retirement jokes.
Funny Retirement Quotes For Coworkers
31) “The One, The Only, The Legend Has Retired” – Unknown
32) “Congratulations on your retirement. Now you’ll have more time to spend with your family, and more reasons for your family to avoid spending time with you.” – Unknown
33) “We’ll miss you, but at least we have your email address so we can forward you all the work you’re missing.” – Unknown
34) “Now that you’re retired, you can finally spend your days doing what you really love: complaining about the weather.” – Unknown
35) “You’ve worked hard your entire life, now it’s time to work hard at not working.” – Unknown
36) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally tell your boss what you really think of him, without worrying about getting fired.” – Unknown
37) “Retirement: It’s like being a kid again, except you have more money, and you’re not grounded anymore.” – Unknown
38) “Retirement is when you can finally start living like a student, but without the exams.” – Unknown
39) “We’ll miss you around the office, but at least now we can start taking bets on how long it will take you to come back and visit.” – Unknown
40) “Retirement: The time in your life when you finally realize that it’s okay to sleep in on a weekday.” – Unknown
41) “Retirement is like a new chapter in your life, except that you’re not sure if it’s the happy ending or the sequel to a horror movie.” – Unknown
42) “Now you can finally say, ‘I’m not working for the man anymore’ while sitting at home and watching TV.” – Unknown
43) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally stop pretending that you know what you’re doing.” – Unknown
44) “Retirement: The time in your life when you can finally start eating dinner at 4 PM.” – Unknown
45) “You’ve worked your whole life for this t-shirt” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Men
46) “The best part about retirement is never having to set your alarm clock, unless you have an early tee time.” – Jeff Mowatt
47) “Retirement is the only time in your life when it’s socially acceptable to do nothing, and get away with it.” – Unknown
48) “Retirement: When you stop working at a job and start working on a golf game.” – Unknown
49) “Retirement is like a permanent weekend, except that you’re not allowed to do anything.” – Unknown
50) “Retirement is the time when you can finally stop trading time for money, and start trading time for fishing.” – Unknown
51) “Retirement is like a pair of comfortable old shoes. You don’t know how much you missed them until they’re gone.” – Unknown
52) “Retirement is when you stop making a living and start making a life. But let’s be honest, it’s mostly about the naps.” – Unknown
53) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally say, ‘I’m not bossy, I’m the boss’.” – Unknown
54) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally start dressing like you’re colorblind, and no one will care.” – Unknown
55) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally start living your life like it’s golden, or at least brass.” – Unknown
56) “Retirement: It’s like being a kid again, except that you have less hair, more aches and pains, and you’re allowed to have a beer with lunch.” – Unknown
57) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start doing all the things you said you were going to do when you retired, but never actually got around to doing. Unless those things involve lifting heavy objects.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Women
58) “A wise woman once said, i’m out of here, and she lived happily ever after” – Unknown
59) “The Queen Has Retired” – Unknown
60) “Retired: Twice as much husband, half as much money.” – Unknown
61) “Retirement is the perfect time to start a new career as a professional grandmother.” – Unknown
62) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally stop apologizing for not wanting to go out and party all night long.” – Unknown
63) “Retirement is when you can finally stop doing all the things you never wanted to do in the first place.” – Unknown
64) “Retirement: When every day is Saturday, except Sunday is actually Sunday.” – Unknown
65) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start reading all those books you’ve been pretending to have read for years.” – Unknown
66) “Retirement is like being a teenager again, except that you have more money, less energy, and a lot more common sense.” – Unknown
67) “Retirement is when you can finally start wearing purple, and nobody will even bat an eye.” – Jenny Joseph
68) “Retirement is when you finally have time to do all the things you’ve never had time to do before. Except for the things that require a lot of physical activity.” – Unknown
69) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start saying what you really think, instead of what you think people want to hear.” – Unknown
70) “Retirement is like a long vacation, except that you never get to go back to work.” – Unknown
71) “Retirement is when you can finally stop chasing money, and start chasing squirrels.” – Unknown
72) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start using all those beauty products you’ve been hoarding, and nobody will judge you.” – Unknown
73) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start doing all the things you love, and stop doing all the things you hate. Unless those things involve cleaning.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Boss
74) “Retirement is the sweetest reward for years of hard work.” – Unknown
75) “Retirement is the time when you never have to ask for a day off again, because every day is a day off.” – Unknown
76) “Retirement is like a never-ending weekend party, except that you can’t stay up too late or you’ll get in trouble with your doctor.” – Unknown
77) “Retirement is the time when you can finally stop pretending to like us.” – Unknown
78) “Retirement is when you can finally start living life at your own pace, unless you have a nagging spouse.” – Unknown
79) “Retirement is like a long vacation, except that you never get to go back to work, and you have to pay for your own drinks.” – Unknown
80) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start doing all the things you never had time to do before, like learning how to play golf, or sleeping.” – Unknown
81) “Now you can finally say. I’ve Retired: Not My Problem Anymore” – Unknown
82) “Retirement is like a new chapter in your life, except that you can’t skip to the end to see how it turns out.” – Unknown
83) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start doing all the things you’ve been telling us you were doing all these years.” – Unknown
84) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally stop asking yourself if you’re making a difference, and start asking yourself if you’re having fun.” – Unknown
85) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start acting your age, unless you’re planning on living forever.” – Unknown
86) “Retirement is like a new pair of shoes. At first, they pinch a little, but before you know it, they’re your new favorites.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Doctors
87) “Retirement is like a long-term prescription for happiness.” – Unknown
88) “Retirement is the time when you can finally cure yourself of the profession that has been ailing you all these years.” – Unknown
89) “Retirement is when you can finally say goodbye to patients who never listened to your advice and still blame you for everything.” – Unknown
90) “Retirement is the time when you can finally stop looking at the clock and start listening to your body, unless your body is telling you to go back to work.” – Unknown
91) “Retirement is when you can finally stop worrying about malpractice lawsuits, unless you plan on taking up skydiving.” – Unknown
92) “Retirement is like a long-term detox from the stress and pressure of being a doctor.” – Unknown
93) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start prescribing yourself the medication you need to relax.” – Unknown
94) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start practicing medicine without a license, just for fun.” – Unknown
95) “Retirement is like a prescription for laughter, so make sure to take it daily.” – Unknown
96) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start taking care of yourself, instead of everyone else.” – Unknown
97) “Retirement is like a long vacation from saving lives. Take the time to enjoy it.” – Unknown
98) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start taking care of the patient in the mirror.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Teachers
99) “Retirement is when you can finally stop grading papers and start grading life.” – Unknown
100) “Retirement is when you no longer have to set an alarm for 6 am, unless you want to watch the sunrise.” – Unknown
101) “Retirement is when you can finally put away your lesson plans and start planning your next adventure.” – Unknown
102) “Retirement is when you can finally stop pretending to like the school cafeteria food.” – Unknown
103) “Retirement is when you can finally start using all those sick days you never took.” – Unknown
104) “Retirement is when you can finally teach your grandchildren all the things you wish you had time to teach your students.” – Unknown
105) “Retirement is when you can finally say goodbye to parent-teacher conferences and hello to happy hour.” – Unknown
106) “Retirement is when you can finally stop worrying about whether you’re doing enough for your students, and start doing enough for yourself.” – Unknown
107) “Teaching is the only profession where you steal supplies from home to bring to work.” – Unknown
108) “The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself.” – Edward Bulwer-Lytton
109) “The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.” – William Arthur Ward
110) “Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.” – William Butler Yeats
Funny Retirement Quotes For Firefighters
111) “Retirement is when you trade in your fire hose for a garden hose.” – Unknown
112) “Retirement is when you stop fighting fires and start grilling them instead.” – Unknown
113) “Retirement is like a long, well-deserved vacation after a career of putting out fires.” – Unknown
114) “Retirement is when you finally have time to catch up on all those TV shows you missed while you were fighting fires.” – Unknown
115) “Retirement is when you can finally enjoy a campfire without worrying about it getting out of control.” – Unknown
116) “Retirement is when you can finally retire your turnout gear and start wearing Hawaiian shirts every day.” – Unknown
117) “Retirement is when you can finally relax and let someone else worry about keeping the firehouse clean.” – Unknown
118) “Retirement is when you can finally say goodbye to your pager and enjoy a peaceful night’s sleep.” – Unknown
119) “Retirement is when you can finally start working on that bucket list, but without the bucket brigade.” – Unknown
120) “Retirement is when you can finally trade in your fire truck for a golf cart, and still be the hero of the day.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Military
121) “Retirement is when you can finally stop saying ‘hooah’ and start saying ‘whatever’.” – Unknown
122) “Retirement is when you can finally trade your camo for khakis and never look back.” – Unknown
123) “Retirement is when you can finally admit that the only reason you joined the military was for the free haircuts.” – Unknown
124) “Retirement is when you can finally tell the difference between a rifle and a fishing rod.” – Unknown
125) “Retirement is when you can finally hang up your uniform and start wearing your ‘I’m retired’ t-shirt everywhere you go.” – Unknown
126) “Retirement: It’s like getting an honorable discharge, only with more cake.” – Unknown
127) “Retirement is the moment when you realize you’ll never again have to wear the uniform, but you also can’t remember where you put your civilian clothes.” – Unknown
128) “Retirement is when you can finally start using your own name instead of your rank.” – Unknown
129) “Retirement is when you can finally throw away that old PT belt.” – Unknown
130) “Retirement is when you can finally stop doing push-ups and start doing push-away-from-the-tables.” – Unknown
131) “Retirement is when you can finally take that knee brace off and let your knees retire too.” – Unknown
132) “Retirement is when you can finally trade your MREs for actual meals.” – Unknown
133) “Retirement is when you can finally stop ironing your clothes and start ironing your wrinkles.” – Unknown
134) “Retirement is when you can finally stop saying ‘yes, sir’ and start saying ‘yes, dear’.” – Unknown
135) “Retirement is when you can finally put your feet up, relax, and let someone else handle the watch.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Police Officers
136) “Retirement is like a never-ending weekend, except you can’t call in sick.” – Unknown
137) “Retirement: the day when you can finally stop counting down to your next shift.” – Unknown
138) “Retirement is when you can finally let your hair down and take off your hat.” – Unknown
139) “Retirement is when you can finally trade in your handcuffs for a pair of cozy slippers.” – Unknown
140) “Retirement is when you can finally stop chasing bad guys and start chasing your golf ball.” – Unknown
141) “Retirement is when you can finally put down your gun and pick up a fishing rod.” – Unknown
142) “Retirement is when you can finally replace your patrol car with a convertible.” – Unknown
143) “Retirement is when you can finally let someone else handle the night shift.” – Unknown
144) “Retirement is when you can finally put your feet up and let the rookies handle the paperwork.” – Unknown
145) “Retirement is when you can finally say ‘I fought the law and the law lost’.” – Unknown
146) “Retirement is like a long-awaited stakeout – you’ve been waiting for it for years and when it finally arrives, it’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever tasted.” – Unknown
147) “Retirement is when you can finally trade in your uniform for sweatpants.” – Unknown
148) “Retirement is when you can finally take the doughnuts instead of busting the doughnut shop.” – Unknown
149) “I’ve served and protected, now it’s time to relax and neglect” – Unknown
150) “Retirement is when you can finally use your handcuffs to restrain your grandkids.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Cards
151) “Retirement: It’s like a never-ending weekend but with less drinking and more napping.” – Unknown
152) “Retirement is not the end of the road. It’s the beginning of the open highway.” – Unknown
153) “Retirement is when you stop working at a job and start working at living your dreams.” – Unknown
154) “Retirement is when you finally get to read all the books you’ve been meaning to read but never had time for, because you were too busy working to buy more books.” – Unknown
155) “Retirement is the time when you can finally tell your boss what you really think of them.” – Unknown
156) “Retirement is like a second childhood, but with better toys.” – Unknown
157) “Retirement is when you can finally start taking your hobbies seriously, instead of just doing them to escape from work.” – Unknown
158) “Retirement: the time when you stop working at a job and start working on your golf swing.” – Unknown
159) “Retirement is the time when you can finally sleep in, but only if your bladder lets you.” – Unknown
160) “Retirement is like a long weekend, except you never have to go back to work on Monday.” – Unknown
161) “Retirement is when you finally have time to read all the books on your shelf that you’ve been pretending to have read for years.” – Unknown
162) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start telling people what you really think of them, but with a smile on your face.” – Unknown
163) “Retirement is like a permanent vacation, except you have to pay for everything yourself.” – Unknown
164) “Retirement is when you can finally start acting your age, instead of pretending to be a responsible adult.” – Unknown
165) “Retirement is when you realize that your real job was just a warm-up for your retirement job of doing whatever you want.” – Unknown
166) “Retirement is like a never-ending happy hour, except you don’t have to worry about going to work hungover the next day.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Cake
167) “Finally, a permanent weekend!”
168) “Time to relax and enjoy the ride.”
169) “Goodbye tension, hello pension.”
170) “No more meetings or deadlines!”
171) “Now accepting golf invitations.”
172) “Retirement: it’s about time!”
173) “Freedom never tasted so sweet.”
174) “Cheers to the golden years.”
175) “It’s never too late to retire from growing up.”
176) “Adios, work! Hello, world!”
For more amazing ideas for a funny retirement cake check my article: 55 Funny Retirement Cakes
Short Retirement Quotes
177) “Retirement: Enjoy every day.” – Unknown
178) “Retire from work, not from life.” – M.K. Soni
179) “Don’t count the days, make the days count.” – Muhammad Ali
180) “Retirement is not the end, it’s a new beginning.” – Unknown
181) “The best is yet to come.” – Unknown
182) “Life begins at retirement.” – Unknown
183) “Retirement: A time to live, love and relax.” – Unknown
184) “Retirement is the perfect time to start a new adventure.” – Unknown
185) “Retire from your job, but never retire your mind.” – Catherine Pulsifer
186) “No more work, all play.” – Unknown
187) “Freedom at last!” – Unknown
188) “Off the clock, off the hook.” – Unknown
Famous Retirement Quotes
189) “Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and how you want to do it.” – Catherine Pulsifer
190) “Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.” – Harry Emerson Fosdick
191) “There is a whole new kind of life ahead, full of experiences just waiting to happen. Some call it retirement. I call it bliss.” – Betty Sullivan
192) “Retirement is the ugliest word in the language.” – Ernest Hemingway
193) “Retirement is a work in progress. You never quite get there.” – Allan Zullo
194) “Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you have always been.” – J. A. West
195) “Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.” – Betty White
196) “Retirement may be an ending, a closing, but it is also a new beginning.” – Catherine Pulsifer
197) “Retirement is a blank sheet of paper. It is a chance to redesign your life into something new and different.” – Patrick Foley
198) “A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” – Ella Harris
199) “I always likened retirement to falling off a cliff, and then you have to kind of brush yourself off.” – Steve Young
200) “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis
Funny Retirement Quotes For Mom
201) “Mom’s retired, now she can finally catch up on all the naps she missed while raising us.” – Unknown
202) “Mom is retiring, but we all know she’ll never stop working. Now she’ll just work on her tan.” – Unknown
203) “Retirement for mom means she can finally trade in her work clothes for yoga pants.” – Unknown
204) “Mom’s retirement plan: sleep, beach, cocktail, repeat.” – Unknown
205) “Now you have time to wine all day!” – Unknown
206) “Retirement for mom means she can finally start using all those gift cards we gave her over the years.” – Unknown
207) “Mom’s retiring, but we all know she’ll still be bossing us around.” – Unknown
208) “Retirement for mom means no more rushing to make dinner after work. She can now take her time to perfect her recipes.” – Unknown
209) “Mom’s retiring, but we know she’ll never stop giving us unwanted advice.” – Unknown
Funny Retirement Quotes For Dad
210) “Now that you’re retired, remember: You can’t call in sick, you can’t be late, and you can’t quit. Welcome to your new job as a retiree!”
211) “Retirement: Where every day is Saturday, except Sunday, because you still have to go to church.”
212) “Now that you’re retired, don’t forget to set your alarm for noon.”
213) “Retirement: when you can finally relax and work on that dad bod.”
214) “Retirement: the pay sucks, but the hours are great.”
215) “Time to start practicing for the Senior Olympics.”
216) “Retirement: the only time in your life when it’s acceptable to do nothing and not feel guilty about it.”
217) “Retirement: the one time in life when you can finally say, ‘I’ve been working on my golf game’ and not sound like a slacker.”
Frequently Asked Questions
What are some good retirement quotes?
Retirement marks a significant milestone in a person’s life, and there’s no better way to celebrate this accomplishment than with a good retirement quote. Some good retirement quotes are:
- “Retirement is not the end of the road. It’s the beginning of the open highway.” – Unknown
- “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements
- “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
- “Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret
- “The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.” – Unknown
These quotes celebrate the joy of retirement and encourage people to make the most of their newfound freedom.
What are some words of wisdom quotes for retirement?
Retirement is a major life change that marks the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. It’s a time for reflection, relaxation, and re-discovery. Words of wisdom can help retirees navigate this transition with grace and purpose. Here are some inspiring quotes to consider:
- “Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and how you want to do it.” – Catherine Pulsifer
- Retirement is a time to enjoy what you’ve earned, to take a step back and appreciate all that you’ve accomplished.” -Ron Brackin
- “Retirement is not a time to sleep, but a time to awaken to the beauty of the world around you and the joy that comes when you cast out all the negative elements that cause confusion and turmoil in your mind and allow serenity to prevail.” – Unknown
- “Retirement is a time to let go of the past, embrace the present, and look forward to the future.” -Unknown
These quotes can serve as inspiration to help retirees embrace the next chapter of their lives with positivity and purpose.
What are some funny retirement captions?
Here are some funny retirement captions that you can use for social media posts or to accompany photos:
- “I’m retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!”
- “Goodbye work, hello happy hour!”
- “Officially retired from the rat race.”
- “The best things in life are retired.”
- “Retirement: where every day is Saturday.”
- “Retirement: now I can sit back and watch my annuity grow.”
- “Time to trade in my work boots for flip flops.”
- “Not my problem anymore!”
- “Retirement is my full-time job now.”
- “It took me this long to retire because I was waiting for the right meme.”
These captions can be adapted to suit your personal style and humor, and are a great way to announce your retirement or document your journey into retirement.
What are some funny retirement comments?
Some funny retirement comments that you can use to congratulate someone on their retirement include:
- “Welcome to your permanent weekend!”
- “No more deadlines or meetings, just endless golf and naps!”
- “Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.”
- “Now you can enjoy life without worrying about getting a call from the boss.”
- “Goodbye tension, hello pension!”
- “Retirement is the ultimate long weekend.”
- “It’s time to start living the dream you’ve put off for too long.”
- “Retirement: When you stop working just to make a living and start living.”
- “Enjoy your retirement – you’ve earned it! Just don’t forget to send postcards from all the amazing places you’ll be visiting.”
- “Retirement is not the end of the road. It’s the beginning of the open highway.”
Remember to keep the comment lighthearted and personalized to the person you’re addressing.