200 Funny Retirement Quotes That Are Hilarious!



When you’re looking for “funny retirement quotes,” you’ve come to the right place! I’ve listed 200 funny retirement quotes so you can wish your boss, coworker, friend, mom, dad, grandparent, teacher, police officer, doctor, etc., a happy retirement in a fun and memorable way. Ready? Let’s dig in!

Funny Retirement Quotes

1) “Bye Bye Tension, Hello Pension!” – Unknown

2) “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret

3) “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements

4) “Retirement: World’s longest coffee break.” – Unknown

 5) “You can’t retire from being great” – Unknown

6) “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez

7) “Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret

8) “It is better to live rich than to die rich.” – Samuel Johnson

9) “The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.” – Unknown

10) “Retired. Under New Management. See Wife For Details” – Unknown

11) “Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.” – M.K. Soni

12) “Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.” – Unknown

13) “Retirement is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in.” – Abe Lemons

14) “Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.” – Unknown

15) “Retirement is like a never-ending weekend party, except that you can’t drink, can’t hook up, and you actually have to spend time with your spouse.” – Unknown

16) “Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.” – Unknown

17) “The best part about retirement is that you don’t have to worry about getting a promotion.” – Unknown

18) “Retirement is when you switch bosses from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” – Unknown

19) “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if retirement is a reward for a lifetime of hard work or a punishment.” – Terri Guillemets

20) “Retirement is the time when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.” – Robert Benchley

21) “I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” – Unknown

22) “Retirement: It’s not just a job, it’s a do-it-yourself project.” – Betty Sullivan

23) “Retirement is like a long vacation in Florida. You can’t wait to go, but once you get there you wonder why you ever wanted to leave.” – Unknown

24) “Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer measured by the number of hours you work, but by the number of hours you play.” – Unknown

25) “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons

26) “I need to retire from retirement.” – Sandra Day O’Connor

27) “Retirement is like a permanent vacation, except that you never get to come back.” – Unknown

28) “I’m now officially retired, and I just want to say, I’m glad I’m not working anymore. It’s been a real hassle.” – Maya Angelou

29) “Retirement is like a chocolate sundae. You wish you could have it every day, but it’s probably not good for you in the long run.” – Unknown

30) “Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start bragging about your discounts.” – Unknown

Check out my article: 200 Funny Retirement Jokes, Memes & One Liners for hilarious retirement jokes.

Funny Retirement Quotes For Coworkers

31) “The One, The Only, The Legend Has Retired” – Unknown

32) “Congratulations on your retirement. Now you’ll have more time to spend with your family, and more reasons for your family to avoid spending time with you.” – Unknown

33) “We’ll miss you, but at least we have your email address so we can forward you all the work you’re missing.” – Unknown

34) “Now that you’re retired, you can finally spend your days doing what you really love: complaining about the weather.” – Unknown

35) “You’ve worked hard your entire life, now it’s time to work hard at not working.” – Unknown

36) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally tell your boss what you really think of him, without worrying about getting fired.” – Unknown

37) “Retirement: It’s like being a kid again, except you have more money, and you’re not grounded anymore.” – Unknown

38) “Retirement is when you can finally start living like a student, but without the exams.” – Unknown

39) “We’ll miss you around the office, but at least now we can start taking bets on how long it will take you to come back and visit.” – Unknown

40) “Retirement: The time in your life when you finally realize that it’s okay to sleep in on a weekday.” – Unknown

41) “Retirement is like a new chapter in your life, except that you’re not sure if it’s the happy ending or the sequel to a horror movie.” – Unknown

42) “Now you can finally say, ‘I’m not working for the man anymore’ while sitting at home and watching TV.” – Unknown

43) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally stop pretending that you know what you’re doing.” – Unknown

44) “Retirement: The time in your life when you can finally start eating dinner at 4 PM.” – Unknown

45) “You’ve worked your whole life for this t-shirt” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Men

46) “The best part about retirement is never having to set your alarm clock, unless you have an early tee time.” – Jeff Mowatt

47) “Retirement is the only time in your life when it’s socially acceptable to do nothing, and get away with it.” – Unknown

48) “Retirement: When you stop working at a job and start working on a golf game.” – Unknown

49) “Retirement is like a permanent weekend, except that you’re not allowed to do anything.” – Unknown

50) “Retirement is the time when you can finally stop trading time for money, and start trading time for fishing.” – Unknown

51) “Retirement is like a pair of comfortable old shoes. You don’t know how much you missed them until they’re gone.” – Unknown

52) “Retirement is when you stop making a living and start making a life. But let’s be honest, it’s mostly about the naps.” – Unknown

53) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally say, ‘I’m not bossy, I’m the boss’.” – Unknown

54) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally start dressing like you’re colorblind, and no one will care.” – Unknown

55) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally start living your life like it’s golden, or at least brass.” – Unknown

56) “Retirement: It’s like being a kid again, except that you have less hair, more aches and pains, and you’re allowed to have a beer with lunch.” – Unknown

57) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start doing all the things you said you were going to do when you retired, but never actually got around to doing. Unless those things involve lifting heavy objects.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Women

58) “A wise woman once said, i’m out of here, and she lived happily ever after” – Unknown

59) “The Queen Has Retired” – Unknown 

60) “Retired: Twice as much husband, half as much money.” – Unknown

61) “Retirement is the perfect time to start a new career as a professional grandmother.” – Unknown

62) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally stop apologizing for not wanting to go out and party all night long.” – Unknown

63) “Retirement is when you can finally stop doing all the things you never wanted to do in the first place.” – Unknown

64) “Retirement: When every day is Saturday, except Sunday is actually Sunday.” – Unknown

65) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start reading all those books you’ve been pretending to have read for years.” – Unknown

66) “Retirement is like being a teenager again, except that you have more money, less energy, and a lot more common sense.” – Unknown

67) “Retirement is when you can finally start wearing purple, and nobody will even bat an eye.” – Jenny Joseph

68) “Retirement is when you finally have time to do all the things you’ve never had time to do before. Except for the things that require a lot of physical activity.” – Unknown

69) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start saying what you really think, instead of what you think people want to hear.” – Unknown

70) “Retirement is like a long vacation, except that you never get to go back to work.” – Unknown

71) “Retirement is when you can finally stop chasing money, and start chasing squirrels.” – Unknown

72) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start using all those beauty products you’ve been hoarding, and nobody will judge you.” – Unknown

73) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start doing all the things you love, and stop doing all the things you hate. Unless those things involve cleaning.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Boss

74) “Retirement is the sweetest reward for years of hard work.” – Unknown

75) “Retirement is the time when you never have to ask for a day off again, because every day is a day off.” – Unknown

76) “Retirement is like a never-ending weekend party, except that you can’t stay up too late or you’ll get in trouble with your doctor.” – Unknown

77) “Retirement is the time when you can finally stop pretending to like us.” – Unknown

78) “Retirement is when you can finally start living life at your own pace, unless you have a nagging spouse.” – Unknown

79) “Retirement is like a long vacation, except that you never get to go back to work, and you have to pay for your own drinks.” – Unknown

80) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start doing all the things you never had time to do before, like learning how to play golf, or sleeping.” – Unknown

81) “Now you can finally say. I’ve Retired: Not My Problem Anymore” – Unknown

82) “Retirement is like a new chapter in your life, except that you can’t skip to the end to see how it turns out.” – Unknown

83) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start doing all the things you’ve been telling us you were doing all these years.” – Unknown

84) “Retirement is the time in your life when you can finally stop asking yourself if you’re making a difference, and start asking yourself if you’re having fun.” – Unknown

85) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start acting your age, unless you’re planning on living forever.” – Unknown

86) “Retirement is like a new pair of shoes. At first, they pinch a little, but before you know it, they’re your new favorites.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Doctors

87) “Retirement is like a long-term prescription for happiness.” – Unknown

88) “Retirement is the time when you can finally cure yourself of the profession that has been ailing you all these years.” – Unknown

89) “Retirement is when you can finally say goodbye to patients who never listened to your advice and still blame you for everything.” – Unknown

90) “Retirement is the time when you can finally stop looking at the clock and start listening to your body, unless your body is telling you to go back to work.” – Unknown

91) “Retirement is when you can finally stop worrying about malpractice lawsuits, unless you plan on taking up skydiving.” – Unknown

92) “Retirement is like a long-term detox from the stress and pressure of being a doctor.” – Unknown

93) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start prescribing yourself the medication you need to relax.” – Unknown

94) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start practicing medicine without a license, just for fun.” – Unknown

95) “Retirement is like a prescription for laughter, so make sure to take it daily.” – Unknown

96) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start taking care of yourself, instead of everyone else.” – Unknown

97) “Retirement is like a long vacation from saving lives. Take the time to enjoy it.” – Unknown

98) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start taking care of the patient in the mirror.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Teachers

99) “Retirement is when you can finally stop grading papers and start grading life.” – Unknown

100) “Retirement is when you no longer have to set an alarm for 6 am, unless you want to watch the sunrise.” – Unknown

101) “Retirement is when you can finally put away your lesson plans and start planning your next adventure.” – Unknown

102) “Retirement is when you can finally stop pretending to like the school cafeteria food.” – Unknown

103) “Retirement is when you can finally start using all those sick days you never took.” – Unknown

104) “Retirement is when you can finally teach your grandchildren all the things you wish you had time to teach your students.” – Unknown

105) “Retirement is when you can finally say goodbye to parent-teacher conferences and hello to happy hour.” – Unknown

106) “Retirement is when you can finally stop worrying about whether you’re doing enough for your students, and start doing enough for yourself.” – Unknown

107) “Teaching is the only profession where you steal supplies from home to bring to work.” – Unknown

108) “The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself.” – Edward Bulwer-Lytton

109) “The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.” – William Arthur Ward

110) “Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.” – William Butler Yeats

Funny Retirement Quotes For Firefighters

111) “Retirement is when you trade in your fire hose for a garden hose.” – Unknown

112) “Retirement is when you stop fighting fires and start grilling them instead.” – Unknown

113) “Retirement is like a long, well-deserved vacation after a career of putting out fires.” – Unknown

114) “Retirement is when you finally have time to catch up on all those TV shows you missed while you were fighting fires.” – Unknown

115) “Retirement is when you can finally enjoy a campfire without worrying about it getting out of control.” – Unknown

116) “Retirement is when you can finally retire your turnout gear and start wearing Hawaiian shirts every day.” – Unknown

117) “Retirement is when you can finally relax and let someone else worry about keeping the firehouse clean.” – Unknown

118) “Retirement is when you can finally say goodbye to your pager and enjoy a peaceful night’s sleep.” – Unknown

119) “Retirement is when you can finally start working on that bucket list, but without the bucket brigade.” – Unknown

120) “Retirement is when you can finally trade in your fire truck for a golf cart, and still be the hero of the day.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Military

121) “Retirement is when you can finally stop saying ‘hooah’ and start saying ‘whatever’.” – Unknown

122) “Retirement is when you can finally trade your camo for khakis and never look back.” – Unknown

123) “Retirement is when you can finally admit that the only reason you joined the military was for the free haircuts.” – Unknown

124) “Retirement is when you can finally tell the difference between a rifle and a fishing rod.” – Unknown

125) “Retirement is when you can finally hang up your uniform and start wearing your ‘I’m retired’ t-shirt everywhere you go.” – Unknown

126) “Retirement: It’s like getting an honorable discharge, only with more cake.” – Unknown

127) “Retirement is the moment when you realize you’ll never again have to wear the uniform, but you also can’t remember where you put your civilian clothes.” – Unknown

128) “Retirement is when you can finally start using your own name instead of your rank.” – Unknown

129) “Retirement is when you can finally throw away that old PT belt.” – Unknown

130) “Retirement is when you can finally stop doing push-ups and start doing push-away-from-the-tables.” – Unknown

131) “Retirement is when you can finally take that knee brace off and let your knees retire too.” – Unknown

132) “Retirement is when you can finally trade your MREs for actual meals.” – Unknown

133) “Retirement is when you can finally stop ironing your clothes and start ironing your wrinkles.” – Unknown

134) “Retirement is when you can finally stop saying ‘yes, sir’ and start saying ‘yes, dear’.” – Unknown

135) “Retirement is when you can finally put your feet up, relax, and let someone else handle the watch.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Police Officers

136) “Retirement is like a never-ending weekend, except you can’t call in sick.” – Unknown

137) “Retirement: the day when you can finally stop counting down to your next shift.” – Unknown

138) “Retirement is when you can finally let your hair down and take off your hat.” – Unknown

139) “Retirement is when you can finally trade in your handcuffs for a pair of cozy slippers.” – Unknown

140) “Retirement is when you can finally stop chasing bad guys and start chasing your golf ball.” – Unknown

141) “Retirement is when you can finally put down your gun and pick up a fishing rod.” – Unknown

142) “Retirement is when you can finally replace your patrol car with a convertible.” – Unknown

143) “Retirement is when you can finally let someone else handle the night shift.” – Unknown

144) “Retirement is when you can finally put your feet up and let the rookies handle the paperwork.” – Unknown

145) “Retirement is when you can finally say ‘I fought the law and the law lost’.” – Unknown

146) “Retirement is like a long-awaited stakeout – you’ve been waiting for it for years and when it finally arrives, it’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever tasted.” – Unknown

147) “Retirement is when you can finally trade in your uniform for sweatpants.” – Unknown

148) “Retirement is when you can finally take the doughnuts instead of busting the doughnut shop.” – Unknown

149) “I’ve served and protected, now it’s time to relax and neglect” – Unknown

150) “Retirement is when you can finally use your handcuffs to restrain your grandkids.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Cards

151) “Retirement: It’s like a never-ending weekend but with less drinking and more napping.” – Unknown

152) “Retirement is not the end of the road. It’s the beginning of the open highway.” – Unknown

153) “Retirement is when you stop working at a job and start working at living your dreams.” – Unknown

154) “Retirement is when you finally get to read all the books you’ve been meaning to read but never had time for, because you were too busy working to buy more books.” – Unknown

155) “Retirement is the time when you can finally tell your boss what you really think of them.” – Unknown

156) “Retirement is like a second childhood, but with better toys.” – Unknown

157) “Retirement is when you can finally start taking your hobbies seriously, instead of just doing them to escape from work.” – Unknown

158) “Retirement: the time when you stop working at a job and start working on your golf swing.” – Unknown

159) “Retirement is the time when you can finally sleep in, but only if your bladder lets you.” – Unknown

160) “Retirement is like a long weekend, except you never have to go back to work on Monday.” – Unknown

161) “Retirement is when you finally have time to read all the books on your shelf that you’ve been pretending to have read for years.” – Unknown

162) “Retirement is the time when you can finally start telling people what you really think of them, but with a smile on your face.” – Unknown

163) “Retirement is like a permanent vacation, except you have to pay for everything yourself.” – Unknown

164) “Retirement is when you can finally start acting your age, instead of pretending to be a responsible adult.” – Unknown

165) “Retirement is when you realize that your real job was just a warm-up for your retirement job of doing whatever you want.” – Unknown

166) “Retirement is like a never-ending happy hour, except you don’t have to worry about going to work hungover the next day.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Cake

167) “Finally, a permanent weekend!”

168) “Time to relax and enjoy the ride.”

169) “Goodbye tension, hello pension.”

170) “No more meetings or deadlines!”

171) “Now accepting golf invitations.”

172) “Retirement: it’s about time!”

173) “Freedom never tasted so sweet.”

174) “Cheers to the golden years.”

175) “It’s never too late to retire from growing up.”

176) “Adios, work! Hello, world!”

For more amazing ideas for a funny retirement cake check my article: 55 Funny Retirement Cakes

Short Retirement Quotes

177) “Retirement: Enjoy every day.” – Unknown

178) “Retire from work, not from life.” – M.K. Soni

179) “Don’t count the days, make the days count.” – Muhammad Ali

180) “Retirement is not the end, it’s a new beginning.” – Unknown

181) “The best is yet to come.” – Unknown

182) “Life begins at retirement.” – Unknown

183) “Retirement: A time to live, love and relax.” – Unknown

184) “Retirement is the perfect time to start a new adventure.” – Unknown

185) “Retire from your job, but never retire your mind.” – Catherine Pulsifer

186) “No more work, all play.” – Unknown

187) “Freedom at last!” – Unknown

188) “Off the clock, off the hook.” – Unknown

Famous Retirement Quotes

189) “Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and how you want to do it.” – Catherine Pulsifer

190) “Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.” – Harry Emerson Fosdick

191) “There is a whole new kind of life ahead, full of experiences just waiting to happen. Some call it retirement. I call it bliss.” – Betty Sullivan

192) “Retirement is the ugliest word in the language.” – Ernest Hemingway

193) “Retirement is a work in progress. You never quite get there.” – Allan Zullo

194) “Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you have always been.” – J. A. West

195) “Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.” – Betty White

196) “Retirement may be an ending, a closing, but it is also a new beginning.” – Catherine Pulsifer

197) “Retirement is a blank sheet of paper. It is a chance to redesign your life into something new and different.” – Patrick Foley

198) “A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” – Ella Harris

199) “I always likened retirement to falling off a cliff, and then you have to kind of brush yourself off.” – Steve Young

200) “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis

Funny Retirement Quotes For Mom

201) “Mom’s retired, now she can finally catch up on all the naps she missed while raising us.” – Unknown

202) “Mom is retiring, but we all know she’ll never stop working. Now she’ll just work on her tan.” – Unknown

203) “Retirement for mom means she can finally trade in her work clothes for yoga pants.” – Unknown

204) “Mom’s retirement plan: sleep, beach, cocktail, repeat.” – Unknown

205) “Now you have time to wine all day!” – Unknown

206) “Retirement for mom means she can finally start using all those gift cards we gave her over the years.” – Unknown

207) “Mom’s retiring, but we all know she’ll still be bossing us around.” – Unknown

208) “Retirement for mom means no more rushing to make dinner after work. She can now take her time to perfect her recipes.” – Unknown

209) “Mom’s retiring, but we know she’ll never stop giving us unwanted advice.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes For Dad

210) “Now that you’re retired, remember: You can’t call in sick, you can’t be late, and you can’t quit. Welcome to your new job as a retiree!”

211) “Retirement: Where every day is Saturday, except Sunday, because you still have to go to church.”

212) “Now that you’re retired, don’t forget to set your alarm for noon.”

213) “Retirement: when you can finally relax and work on that dad bod.”

214) “Retirement: the pay sucks, but the hours are great.”

215) “Time to start practicing for the Senior Olympics.”

216) “Retirement: the only time in your life when it’s acceptable to do nothing and not feel guilty about it.”

217) “Retirement: the one time in life when you can finally say, ‘I’ve been working on my golf game’ and not sound like a slacker.”

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some good retirement quotes?

Retirement marks a significant milestone in a person’s life, and there’s no better way to celebrate this accomplishment than with a good retirement quote. Some good retirement quotes are:

  1. “Retirement is not the end of the road. It’s the beginning of the open highway.” – Unknown
  2. “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements
  3. “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
  4. “Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret
  5. “The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.” – Unknown

These quotes celebrate the joy of retirement and encourage people to make the most of their newfound freedom.

What are some words of wisdom quotes for retirement?

Retirement is a major life change that marks the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. It’s a time for reflection, relaxation, and re-discovery. Words of wisdom can help retirees navigate this transition with grace and purpose. Here are some inspiring quotes to consider:

  • “Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and how you want to do it.” – Catherine Pulsifer
  • Retirement is a time to enjoy what you’ve earned, to take a step back and appreciate all that you’ve accomplished.” -Ron Brackin
  • “Retirement is not a time to sleep, but a time to awaken to the beauty of the world around you and the joy that comes when you cast out all the negative elements that cause confusion and turmoil in your mind and allow serenity to prevail.” – Unknown
  • “Retirement is a time to let go of the past, embrace the present, and look forward to the future.” -Unknown

These quotes can serve as inspiration to help retirees embrace the next chapter of their lives with positivity and purpose.

What are some funny retirement captions?

Here are some funny retirement captions that you can use for social media posts or to accompany photos:

  1. “I’m retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!”
  2. “Goodbye work, hello happy hour!”
  3. “Officially retired from the rat race.”
  4. “The best things in life are retired.”
  5. “Retirement: where every day is Saturday.”
  6. “Retirement: now I can sit back and watch my annuity grow.”
  7. “Time to trade in my work boots for flip flops.”
  8. “Not my problem anymore!”
  9. “Retirement is my full-time job now.”
  10. “It took me this long to retire because I was waiting for the right meme.”

These captions can be adapted to suit your personal style and humor, and are a great way to announce your retirement or document your journey into retirement.

What are some funny retirement comments?

Some funny retirement comments that you can use to congratulate someone on their retirement include:

  1. “Welcome to your permanent weekend!”
  2. “No more deadlines or meetings, just endless golf and naps!”
  3. “Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.”
  4. “Now you can enjoy life without worrying about getting a call from the boss.”
  5. “Goodbye tension, hello pension!”
  6. “Retirement is the ultimate long weekend.”
  7. “It’s time to start living the dream you’ve put off for too long.”
  8. “Retirement: When you stop working just to make a living and start living.”
  9. “Enjoy your retirement – you’ve earned it! Just don’t forget to send postcards from all the amazing places you’ll be visiting.”
  10. “Retirement is not the end of the road. It’s the beginning of the open highway.”

Remember to keep the comment lighthearted and personalized to the person you’re addressing.

Kirsten Veldman

I'm Kirsten. In 2017, my husband Léon, and I decided to retire from the rat race to travel the world and work and live location independently. In the last couple of years, I wrote over 200+ articles about retirement and did extensive research to help people prepare, enjoy and celebrate retirement in the best way possible.

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