You’ve come to the right place when you’re looking for funny jokes about retirement for your speech, retirement card, or retirement message. In this article, I’ve listed the best and funniest retirement jokes, memes, and one-liners for bosses, coworkers, friends, moms, dads, teachers, doctors, nurses, principals, pastors, police officers, etc. Ready to make people laugh? Let’s get started!
Funny Retirement Jokes
1) What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired!
2) When you retire, you switch bosses—from the one who hired you to the one who married you.
3) When ‘I’m too old for this shit’ becomes your daily mantra, you know it’s time to retire.
4) Congratulations on quitting your job without being escorted out of the building.
5) Congratulations on extending your weekends by five days!
7) You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can put new tires on an old car. That’s what you’re doing: re-tiring.
8) Now you have time to wine all day!
9) What do travel plans in retirement look like? A route from the bed to the couch to the fridge and repeat.
10) Congrats. You can binge-watch all those great TV shows! What will you do in the second week?
11) What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal.
12) I asked my retired friend what he did all day. He said, “Nothing, and I don’t finish it until late afternoon.”
13) What’s the best part about retirement? You can finally take a nap whenever you want without worrying about getting caught.
14) What’s the difference between a retiree and a teenager? The retiree has much more experience, but the teenager has much more energy.
15) What’s the difference between a retiree and a puppy? After a year, the puppy is still excited to see you.
16) What do you call a retiree who’s never worked a day in their life? A professional baby boomer.
17) What’s the difference between a retiree and a cat? The cat takes naps all day, but the retiree takes naps all day and night.
18) How do you know you’re retired? You get excited about finding a great parking spot at the mall.
19) What do you call a retired snowman? Water.
20) What do you call a retired superhero? A super senior.
21) What’s the difference between a retiree and a hippopotamus? The retiree spends more time in the water.
Funny Retirement Memes
Jokes About Retirement
26) Retirement: It’s the time when you can finally stop saying ‘TGIF’ and start saying ‘TGIS’ (Thank God I’m Retired).
27) Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest but not so fully that you run out of money.
28) Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.
29) Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.
30) Retirement is the time when you stop working at a job and start working on a bucket list.
31) Retirement is like being a teenager again but with much more money and less acne.
32) Retirement is the time when you finally get to do all the things you didn’t have time for when you were working, like taking a nap, watching TV, and playing golf.
33) Retirement is when every day is a Saturday.
34) Retirement is the time when you can finally get your priorities straight, like sleeping in, drinking coffee, and reading the newspaper.
35) Retirement is when you can finally trade in your alarm clock for a snooze button.
36) Retirement is when you stop making a living and start making a life.
37) The best part about retirement is not having to set an alarm clock.
38) Retirement is like being a kid again but with more money and less supervision.
39) Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start bragging about your discounts.
40) Retirement is the time when you can finally have breakfast at 8:00 and lunch at 11:30 without feeling guilty.
41) Retirement: Twice as much husband, half as much money.
42) Retirement sounds like fun. Until you realize you’re too old, too broke, and too tired to do anything fun.
43) Retirement is when you switch from a two-button suit to a one-button suit.
44) Retirement is the time when you can finally pursue your passion without worrying about a paycheck.
45) Retirement is when you finally get to read all the books you’ve been collecting for years.
46) Retirement: It’s like graduating from school, but with much more freedom and much less homework.
47) Retirement is the time when you can finally start living your dream life, as long as your dream life is watching TV in your pajamas all day.
48) Retirement: When your boss gives your job to someone else, and you get your parking spot back.
49) Retirement is when you can finally do everything you’ve been talking about doing for years, like organizing your sock drawer or alphabetizing your spice rack.
50) Retirement: It’s the best time to start a new career as a professional grandparent.
51) Retirement is when you can finally trade your work clothes for sweatpants and slippers.
52) Retirement is when you can finally start acting your age, even if that means being a kid again.
53) Retirement is when you can finally start napping without feeling guilty.
54) Retirement. It is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
55) Retirement. The pay sucks, but the hours are great!
56) Retirement: The time you realize that being showered and dressed in the morning is now optional.
Retired Jokes
57) I’m not retired. I’m a professional napper.
58) Retired: Twice as much husband, half as much money.
59) I’m not retired. I’m just starting my second career as a professional couch potato.
60) Retired: Finally able to stay up past 9 pm without feeling guilty.
61) I’m not retired. I’m just upgrading from the daily grind to the daily nap.
62) Retired: No more deadlines, just dead wine.
63) I’m not retired, I’m just practicing for my future career as a shuffleboard champion.
64) Retired: Finally enjoying happy hour without worrying about tomorrow’s workload.
65) I’m not retired. I’m just starting my life’s work of perfecting the art of doing nothing.
66) Retired: Now I have time to read all the books I said I read in college.
67) I’m not retired, I’m just getting started on my lifelong dream of becoming a professional bingo player.
68) Retired: I used to work 40 hours a week. Now I work 40 hours a year and complain twice as much.
69) I’m not retired. I’m just starting my new career as a professional couch surfer.
70) I’m not retired. I’m just upgrading from ‘having a job’ to ‘having a life.’
71) Retired: Finally able to watch all those shows I pretended to have already seen at work.
72) I’m not retired. I’m just starting my new job as a professional grandparent.
73) Retired: Finally able to say ‘no’ to things without feeling guilty for not working overtime.
74) I’m not retired. I’m just starting my new professional happy hour enthusiast job.”
Funny Retirement Quotes
75) “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
76) “A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” – Ella Harris
77) “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
78) “Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret
79) “Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you have always been.” – J.A. West
80) “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
81) “Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say, ‘Hi, Honey, I’m home – forever.'” – Gene Perret
Funny Retirement Jokes One Liners
82) Good Luck With Your New Boss: Your Wife!
83) Eat, Drink, Nap, Repeat
84) Retired: Goodbye Crap, Hello Nap
85) Thank God It’s Friday Everyday Now!
86) You can’t retire from being great/ awesome/ funny/ lazy etc.
87) Bye Bye Tension, Hello Pension!
88) Congrats! You survived all the meetings that should have been emails.
89) Retired. Under New Management. See Wife For Details
90) Oh, look! It’s you don’t give a D*** o’clock!
Retirement Jokes For Speech
91) Retirement. Think of it as a six-month holiday, but twice a year.
92) Now you can do anything you want, as long as your wife agrees.
93) Quitter! I mean, Happy Retirement!
94) Congratulations on the World’s largest coffee break!
95) Did you know that in retirement, every day is Employee Appreciation Day? 😉 Congrats!
96) I am so glad you are getting out of this place! Can you take me with you?
97) Congrats. Now you can finally stop pretending to be busy.
98) Now, you will never know if people are genuinely happy about your retirement or if they are happy that they finally got rid of you…
99) You’re not retired. You’re a professional Grandpa/ Grandma.
100) It was such a pleasure working with you. Let your wife/ husband know they can use me as a reference if they have any doubts…
101) My retirement advice to you. Just pretend every day is Saturday, and you’ll be fine!
102) When people ask what you’ve been doing in retirement, say something interesting because nobody wants to hear about your afternoon naps.
103) Retirement is like a never-ending weekend, except you can’t drink as much because you must drive your own car.
104) Retirement is when you finally have time to travel the world, and your body tells you to stay home.
105) Retirement is when you can finally say goodbye to deadlines and hello to ‘I’ll get to it when I feel like it.
106) Retirement is like a long vacation, except that you don’t have to bring back souvenirs for your boss.
Retirement Jokes For Boss
107) The Legend Has Retired, now what are we going to do?
108) Hooray, You Cannot Boss Us Around Anymore
109) We’re going to miss you so much, boss. Who’s going to make us work late now?
110) Now you can finally say. I’ve Retired: Not My Problem Anymore
111) You were such a great boss. We almost didn’t mind coming to work every day. Almost.
112) Retirement is the perfect time to start a new career as a professional napper. We know you’re going to excel at it!
113) Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally spend your days yelling at the TV instead of us.
114) Behind every retired man is a wife wishing he would return to work.
115) Did you think we threw this party to celebrate your years of work? Guess again… it’s really to celebrate not having you as a boss anymore!
116) If you struggle to find something to do in retirement… Feel free to mow my lawn anytime 😉
Retirement Jokes For Coworkers
117) The One, The Only, The Legend Has Retired!
118) Congrats, you’re officially retired from this crap.
119) You’re currently unsupervised. I know it scares me too…
120) The office won’t be the same without you wandering around pretending to be busy.
121) Rude that you’re leaving, but ok.
122) Retirement is when you trade your briefcase for a suitcase and your boss for a travel agent.
123) You know you’re ready to retire when you start counting down the days until the weekend on Monday morning.
124) We’re going to miss you so much. Who’s going to make coffee runs for us now?
125) Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally start taking those long lunch breaks you’ve been dreaming of.
126) We’re going to miss you so much. Who’s going to take the blame for all our mistakes now?
127) Retirement is like getting a gold watch for 30 years of loyal service… and then realizing you don’t wear a watch anymore.
128) Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally start reading those books you’ve been using as a monitor stand for the past 10 years.
129) We’re going to miss you so much, coworker. Who’s going to cover for us when we’re late now?
Retirement Jokes For Teachers
130) Happy Retirement. Now Fridays aren’t the best day of the week anymore. They all are!
131) Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally take a break from grading papers… and start grading your grandkids’ papers instead.
132) Retirement is like summer vacation, but without the students to return to in the fall.
133) We’re going to miss you so much. Who will make us feel guilty for not doing our homework now?
134) Retirement is the perfect time to start your own tutoring business… or just tell your grandkids to Google it.
135) Retirement is like getting an A+ for 30 years of hard work… and then realizing you’re still not done with the test.
136) Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally spend your days correcting people’s grammar on Facebook.
137) We’re going to miss you so much. Who will confiscate our phones and then secretly check theirs during class now?”
138) Retirement is the perfect time to start your book club… or just reread Harry Potter for the 20th time.
Retirement Jokes For Doctors
139) Congratulations On Working For Your Wife Now
140) Watch out. Someone’s about to have too much free time on his/her hands…
141) Congrats on your retirement. The next time we talk, you can charge a consulting fee.
142) Congratulations on finally deciding that life is more important than work! What took you so long?
143) Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally prescribe yourself a daily dose of relaxation.”
144) Retirement is like getting a clean bill of health… except you’re not allowed to go back to work anymore.
145) Retirement is the perfect time to start your own practice… of napping.
146) Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally take the time to read all the medical journals you’ve been stockpiling.
147) Retirement is like getting a prescription for unlimited free time… and the only side effect is happiness.
148) Congratulations on your retirement, doctor! Now you can finally stop worrying about malpractice suits and start worrying about how to spend all your free time.
149) Retirement is the perfect time to start your own research project… on the effects of retirement on stress levels.
Retirement Jokes For Nurses
150) Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally take a break from checking people’s vitals… and start checking your own.
151) Retirement is like getting a discharge form… but for your entire career.
152) Retirement is the perfect time to start your own private practice… of sleeping in.
153) Congratulations on your retirement, nurse! Now you can finally spend your days doing what you love most… binge-watching medical dramas on TV.
154) Retirement is the perfect time to start your own medical blog… or finally, figure out what all those acronyms actually mean.
Retirement Jokes For Dad
155) Congratulations on your retirement, Dad! Now you can finally tell your boss what you really think of him…
156) Retirement is the perfect time to start working on your golf game… or your napping game, depending on your priorities.
157) Congratulations on your retirement, Dad! Now you can finally start keeping track of the days of the week… or not, who needs to know anyway?
158) Congratulations on your retirement, Dad! Now you can finally start living your best life… or at least your most relaxed life.
159) Retirement is the perfect time to start pursuing your hobbies… or just discovering new ones like napping, reading, and taking long walks on the beach (or to the fridge).
160) You know your dad is retired when he refers to his house as his ‘retirement castle.
161) You know your dad is retired when he has a whole section of his closet dedicated to Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts.
162) You know your dad is retired when he’s always available to help with home repairs… as long as it doesn’t interfere with his nap schedule.
163) You know your dad is retired when he refers to himself as a ‘senior citizen’ instead of just ‘old.
164) You know your dad is retired when he spends more time complaining about his aches and pains than he ever did about his job.
165) You know your dad is retired when he’s always looking for the best deals and discounts… even if he doesn’t really need them.
Retirement Jokes For Mom
166) A wise woman once said I’m out of here. And she lived happily ever after!
168) Congratulations on your retirement, Mom! Now you can finally stop pretending to like your coworkers and just be yourself.
169) Congratulations on your retirement, Mom! Now you can finally start living your best life… or at least your most comfortable life in your favorite sweatpants.
170) You know your mom is retired when she gives you a daily play-by-play of her favorite daytime TV shows.
171) You know your mom is retired when she has more hobbies than she knows what to do with.
172) You know your mom is retired when she’s always available for a long phone chat… no matter what time of day it is.
173) You know your mom is retired when her social calendar is more packed than yours has ever been.
174) You know your mom is retired when she’s always showing off her latest Pinterest project.
175) You know your mom is retired when she’s always discussing the discounts and deals she gets with her senior citizen status.
176) You know your mom is retired when she’s always trying to recruit you for her volunteer projects.
Retirement Jokes For Principals
177) Congratulations on your retirement, Principal! We’re pretty sure the school budget is breathing a sigh of relief.
178) Retirement is like getting a permanent hall pass… except now you’re the one in charge of your own schedule.
179) Retirement is the perfect time to finally start reading all those books you’ve been assigning to your students for years.
180) Congratulations on your retirement, Principal! Now you can finally take that well-deserved break from being the boss of everyone.
181) We’re going to miss you so much, Principal. Who’s going to be the one to break up all the cafeteria food fights now?
182) Retirement is like a never-ending summer vacation… except you don’t have to worry about lesson plans or grading papers.
Retirement Jokes For Pastors
183) Congratulations on your retirement, Pastor! Now you can finally take a break from being everyone’s personal spiritual guide.
184) Retirement is like a never-ending Sunday… except you don’t have to prepare a sermon every week.
185) Congratulations on your retirement, Pastor! Now you can finally start sleeping in on Sundays.
186) Congratulations on your retirement, Pastor! Now you can finally start preaching your sermons without worrying about any feedback or criticism.
Retirement Jokes For Police Officers
187) Congratulations on your retirement, Officer! Now you can finally relax and stop chasing after criminals… unless it’s just your grandkids causing trouble.
188) Retirement is the perfect time to start exploring new hobbies, like maybe woodworking to create your own handcuffs.
189) Congratulations on your retirement, Officer! Now you can finally start enjoying doughnuts without worrying about your cholesterol.
190) Retirement is like getting a permanent day off… except you don’t have to worry about missing any calls from dispatch.
191) Congratulations on your retirement, Officer! Now you can finally start watching all those cop shows on TV and laugh about how fake it is.
192) We’re going to miss you so much, Officer. Who’s going to be the one to keep our streets safe and protect us from harm now?
193) You know it’s time to retire from the police corps when you catch yourself waving at the security cameras instead of monitoring them.
194) You know it’s time to retire from the police corps when your partner asks if you’ve seen a suspect, and you accidentally describe your favorite TV character instead.
195) You know it’s time to retire from the police corps when you start using your handcuffs to keep your pants up instead of apprehending suspects.
196) You know it’s time to retire from the police corps when you try to pull over someone driving too slow in the left lane… only to realize it’s an unmarked police car.
197) You know it’s time to retire from the police corps when your patrol car has more dents and scratches than a demolition derby car.
198) You know it’s time to retire from the police corps when you catch yourself trying to ticket a squirrel for jaywalking.
199) You know it’s time to retire from the police corps when you realize you’ve been on the force so long that half the criminals you arrested are now your neighbors.
200) You know it’s time to retire from the police corps when you start nodding off during stakeouts and dream about retiring on a beach somewhere.
Retirement Party Jokes
201) Here’s to [Name], who is finally free from the tyranny of the alarm clock!
202) May your retirement be as enjoyable as your coffee breaks always were.
203) Here’s to [Name], who is now free to spend their weekdays doing all the things the rest of us have to wait until the weekend to do.
204) I’m so jealous of retirees. They get to do nothing all day and still get applause for it.
205) Retirement is not the end. It’s just the start of a new chapter. Here’s to a great story ahead!
206) Congratulations on retiring! Now you can finally stop checking your work email at 2am and start checking the early bird dinner specials.
207) Retirement is not the end of the road, it’s just the beginning of a new journey that includes more naps and fewer meetings.
208) May your retirement be full of happy hours and happy memories.
209) Retirement is the perfect time to start living like a kid again, but with a lot more money and a lot less hair.
210) Retirement is not an end, it’s a new beginning. So here’s to [Name], who is starting a new adventure with a full tank of gas and an open road ahead!
Frequently Asked Questions
What do you say in a retirement toast?
When giving a retirement toast, it’s important to acknowledge the retiree’s accomplishments and contributions to the workplace. You can share a funny joke, anecdote, or memory about working with them and express gratitude for their hard work and dedication. It’s also good to wish them well in their future endeavors and encourage them to enjoy their retirement fully. Cheers to a job well done and a happy retirement!
How do you respond to retirement wishes?
When someone offers retirement wishes, expressing your gratitude and appreciation is always polite. You can say, “Thank you, I really appreciate it,” or “I’m grateful for your kind words and support.” If the person offering wishes is a close friend or colleague, you can also share your retirement plans or feelings about this new chapter in your life. Whatever you say, make sure to convey your appreciation and let the person know how much their well-wishes mean to you.